King of Cups

King! Of! Cups!

Knight of Pentacles

Check it out, a knight! I like getting the knights because there's so damn much room for interpretation with them. They have both negative and positive traits, depending on where they appear in the reading, and they're so exemplary of the brash, young qualities in people that I like so much. And they're such wonderful examples of the traits found in Earth signs.

And now, a useful chart:
Unwavering/Stubborn
Cautious/Unadventurous
Thorough/Obsessive
Realistic/Pessimistic
Hard-Working/Grinding

So, on the positive side, this is the kind of person you'd want to see on your side. He's hard-working, determined, loyal, and thorough. If you're stuck in the middle of a problem, call upon him for aid, and he'll get you through it no matter what. On the negative side, he can be an extremely stubborn workaholic who never sees the point to anything aside from work and domesticity. He will never, ever admit that he's wrong, especially when he actually is mistaken.

When he appears, you need to ask yourself whether his energy is hurting or helping you at the moment. For me, I feel that his energy is needed, at least due to the jobless situation in which I seem to be stuck. I get the message here: it's high time that I start to work harder. Tomorrow, I suppose, I'll drop off another resume. That is, after I get a good night's sleep.

Four of Swords

At first glance, this appears to be a sort of foreboding card. It depicts a knight's tomb, one sword held over his chest, three swords hanging on the wall. But despite macabre appearances, this card is actually... rather pleasant. I know I've drawn it before, I believe for a friend, and I was just as surprised then as I am now that this card isn't about death and loneliness, but contemplation, repose, and quiet preparation.

All the cards of the swords suit can stand for some kind of challenge. This is supremely helpful when drawing cards, and you find yourself remembering the feelings the card is associated with but not exactly how to interpret them. Because of this, the Four of Swords isn't entirely positive, despite its rather peaceful energy. It's challenging you to slow down, rest, and shut the goddamn hell up.

I can safely say that I didn't entirely follow the suggestion of this card. I stayed up late when I should have gone to bed early, and now I'm tired as hell because of it.

Ace of Pentacles (repeat)

Filler. I can't believe I skipped a day yesterday. Didn't want to make it two in a row. More after I've woken up.

*

Anyway. It appears that I drew this card once before, on 2/26/08. How recently! I didn't even notice. And once again, I've drawn it on a day that I applied to a job. This time at Boulder Books, another of the big used and new bookstores around town. I'd much rather work here than at the other place, if only because the other place sells really, deeply crappy books. It claims to have a very large selection. It does. Mostly of romance novels and Left Behind books. So.

I really hope the prosperous force of the Ace of Pentacles gives me a hand here. The guy I turned my application into said that they have a generally high turnover rate, so hopefully someone will see my application and freaking hire me.

Come on Pentacles! Help a girl out!

Ten of Cups

The card of the happy family. The Rider-Waite deck shows a couple with their arms around each other, staring at a beautiful rainbow filled with golden cups as their children play nearby. The Aquarian deck depicts a man and a woman looking at each other under a rainbow, which is coming out of a cup. I'm going to assume that this means they're gay for each other. It seems like a nice, harmonious card, perhaps representing fidelity or bliss. Judging from the artwork, it's probably the minor arcana equivalent of the Lovers.

Joy, peace, and family are the keywords for this card, so I was pretty much on the ball with equivocating it to the Lovers. But I think it's probably pretty close to the Ten of Pentacles, which is another domestic harmony sort of card, albeit more linked with achievement than inner peace. Maybe I'm hitting on a theme for the tens? It can be about calling a truce or making peace, representing an end to any hostility in one's life. It can also signal a time of blessing coming up, in which your ego is harmonizing with your id or something.

A time of blessing. Oh I fucking hope so. I applied at this dream of a bookstore today, so I hope the Ten of Cups is saying that the joy coming my way is getting this damn job. Oh I hope I hope.

I'll close with this, which is what I'm really interested in for this card:

"In readings, this card often signals a time of abundant blessings. It tells you that you can reach for the fulfillment you deserve, and it will come to you. Look for ways to realize joy and create peace. You may find the key to happiness in your family. Your family is the group of people you are attached to emotionally - for better or worse! If there is trouble in your family right now, work to restore harmony. The time is right for greater closeness."

Eight of Cups

It's a damn depressing card, I'll tell you that. The image on it lets you know that what's coming isn't pretty, too, showing a cloaked figure heading off alone into the night, eight cups stacked behind him and an empty road ahead of him. Strangely, the night sky is white instead of black, and the departing man's cloak has become the road. Without checking on the meaning, I can see loneliness, weariness, a long and arduous journey, or perhaps a choice to leave it all behind.

I hit on two of the keywords, at least. Weariness, moving on, and search for a deeper meaning are the words that can help pinpoint the meaning to this card. It's about the approaching ending. To what, is unclear. It could apply to relationships, to friendships, situations, or ways of life.

I'm having trouble putting this into words, so once again, I'm turning to my main source for help.

"Moving on can mean a physical change such as leaving a job, location or relationship. It can also mean an inner change - releasing old patterns, especially those that have dominated our thoughts and emotions... Sometimes moving on can mean searching for a deeper truth or reality. One day we wake up and realize that we have been asleep in our own lives - living a dream that no longer satisfies.

Some changes can be wearying. Endings are not always easy. One of the signs of a readiness to leave is lack of energy. When you feel tired and dispirited, you know that something is wrong, and it's time for a new direction. Reexamine your life and your priorities. You will find where in your life you need to move on."

This last paragraph does ring true. I'm tired and dispirited a lot of the time. I don't know where to go or what to do, and everything seems worthless. I need to get out of this situation. I need to get a job, start leaving the apartment, and get some friends. As long as I feel like a moon circling around the planetary body of my partner, I'm not going to be happy again.

I need to get a life.

Page of Pentacles

Pages are smarmy. There, I said it. This might be the first page I've ever pulled, but my first impression is that they're all preachy, smarmy kids. Yeah, take it.

My guess from this card is that Pages are meant to be pedantic. They're here to teach you a lesson about what you can gain by following the qualities of the suit in question. In this case, the Page represents the fruits of hard work, practicality, and frugality. It's telling you to have an effect, be prosperous, be practical, and be trustworthy/trusting and all the rewards of the suit of the body will fall into your sweaty, work-hardened lap.

In readings, it can indicate that an opening that will bring enrichment, comfort, trust, or the chance to make your dreams real will appear soon. God, if only. It can also represent a young or young at heart person whose interactions with you involve stability, safety, commitment, material needs, and trust. It can also imply that this moment in your life is suffused with material enjoyment, that you should revel in the earthly delights of your skills, possessions, or body with the abandon of a child.

I'm not sure what this means for me today. I did a few things, I suppose, but mostly I wasted time and indulged. This could be a part of what the card is telling me, but it's main meaning is that of the rewards of hard work, which I don't do a lot of at all. But I guess I did come to the conclusion that cooking isn't so bad today... hm. I don't know. Is this the card of earthly delights, or is it the card of acting practically? Is it another person in my life? Is it me?

Strength

Strength is a complicated card. It's a complicated feeling. Being strong isn't about stoicism or ignoring taunts or being able to bench press a truck. To tell you the truth, I don't know what it's entirely about. There's a softness to it. And that's reflected in the card. It isn't a flashy card, like the Chariot. It's something deeper than that.

My deck shows a man in heavy armor facing the reader, a long-nosed dog sitting faithfully in front of him. The Rider-Waite deck, which I believe conveys the meaning of the card far more fully, depicts a woman easing open the jaws of a lion. Her arms aren't powerful, they're thin like mine, and she's still able to open the lion's mouth without being bitten herself. I think that's what strength is all about.

Strength, patience, compassion, and soft control are the keywords to remember.

"Card 8 will appear in a reading when its qualities are needed. It can be a reminder not to despair or give up. You have the inner strength to endure and triumph. If you are pushing too hard, you need to withdraw for the moment and be patient. If other people or circumstances are driving you crazy, remember the strength that comes with love and forbearance. These will see you through the hardest moments."

I don't think I have much power at the moment to describe how much it means to me that this card appeared today. I must have shuffled the deck around twenty times before I was satisfied. There are some days that I doubt these cards. About half the time, I think. There are some days, most of the other half, when I feel the need to remark on how well they correspond to my current mood. And there are rare days like today when nothing else could have been more appropriate.

Give me the strength to mold myself softly. I don't want to look back on today with regret.

Seven of Rods

Filler. I'm going to bed.

Man, I suck at doing the same thing every day. Unless it's wasting time on the internet. :)

*

Aggression! Defiance! Conviction! What the hell is it with all the manly cards I've been getting? I wonder sometimes if the cards are trying to send a message to me, to warn me about something or encourage me to go a certain direction. If I take that at face value, this card is encouraging me to take a stand against something. Probably myself.

The figure on the card is holding a long staff in front of him, apparently ready to ward off attacks. The other six staffs are standing aside, ready to be used if the first staff should break. I can't stop laughing at this guy's mustache. Seriously, the Aquarian deck is like a mustache haven.

Ahem. Anyhow. This card is about aggression and defiance because they're two sides of the same coin. You attack, your enemy defends, you defend, your enemy attacks, both sticking to their own convictions, both willing to do whatever it takes to get their points across. This card usually indicates some struggle that you're involved in, and it asks you whether this battle is really worth fighting. On the surface, it encourages you to fight to the last, and on the underside, it asks you whether your position is really justified.

I always try to ask myself whether I'm really correct in any fight I'm involved in, and even though it's grating sometimes, I try to give in when I've found out that I'm wrong. I'd like to think that the Seven of Rods is my constant companion, in that way, though I admit that I don't always stand up to that ideal. Ask my boyfriend; I'm sure he'll be glad to tell you just how unfair I can be.

But anyway. More and more I'm finding that each of these cards has an important question of self-evaluation in store for the learner. It's getting tough as I go along to keep admitting to these flaws of mine and keep trying to answer the questions that these cards ask, especially when I'm feeling drained as I am. But as this card tells me, if I really believe in what I'm doing, I've got to fight to the last. Hopefully, I'll be able to stick to that.

Two of Cups

Damn, I missed my leap year post. I was really excited about doing it, too, but now it's after midnight and it'll look like there wasn't a February 29th at all. Let it be written that it's still February 29th for me, since I haven't yet gone to sleep. I just had a busy day, is all. Now, to business.

The Two of Cups is an easy enough card to understand. It's the minor arcana equivalent to the lovers, and it looks like it. Two people, a man and a woman, gaze at each other over two chalices, apparently lost to anything else but each other. Aw, so romantic. It's a card that people in relationships want to see, for it means connection and attraction, but there's another side to the card that doesn't have much to do with lovers. It's also the card of truces. If you've been having a long disagreement with someone, this card is a sign that it's time to throw in the towel and shake hands. Heal that severed relationship, bring things together, solve problems, etc. I like it. Essentially, it's the card of the deepening connection, the union between people.

I know exactly what the Two of Cups means for me today. I went on a "date," as it were, with my boyfriend. Yes, sometimes I call him that, even if it makes me sound fifteen. It was nice. We went to the Aquarium, looked at fish, touched rays, and were surprised by tigers. We even went out to dinner. He took care of me when I suddenly came down with being sick, too. I feel like we renewed something, a little. That's the thing, isn't it? You can't take love for granted. It has to be made again, every day. I've been missing that.

Look at me blather on.

But I can't forget about the downside to the card. Sometimes, it means that you've shut yourself off to the world in the name of love. And given time, that can end up driving you apart. So be careful and consider well what this card means when it comes up. It's unhealthy to shut out the world. Even if you're doing it with someone you love.

Nine of Cups

I love this card. It has this fat, self-satisfied man on it in this hilarious pink beret, and he's looking up at you like, "yeah, you know you'd hit this." There are nine golden cups arranged on a shelf behind him. When I first saw it I thought it was a card about material gain, which wasn't too far off the mark. It's actually a WAY better card. The keywords are wish-fulfillment, satisfaction, and sensual pleasure. Basically, it's a card about getting what you want and having awesome sex to boot. I drew this once before, a while back when I was first doing this daily log thing back at my own livejournal. My day that day was exactly what the card described.

This is just what I need today.

:D :D :D

The Emperor

I think I'm sensing a trend with traditionally masculine cards. I drew the Chariot yesterday, which is a bit like active and conquering masculinity, and now today I've drawn the Emperor, who is the father figure that tells you to obey the rules, do your homework, and go to bed on time or you'll be punished. Everywhere he is, fathering, structure, authority, and regulation are as well.

In case it wasn't clear, I'm sort of uncomfortable with rules.

But the message of the king of regulations here is clear: I might just need some sort of routine in my life. There's not really any routine for me at all. If the boything wasn't around, I'm not sure I'd even cook for myself every day. I think that's why I drew the Emperor, really. Routine might help me get through life more contentedly, but the idea of having to do something every single day even when I don't feel like it is grating.

Oh good God, now that I've gone back and re-read, I seem like a child. But I don't wanna do it! I'm busy! Leave me alone! I'll do it later! Five more minutes! Come on!

I think I've still got a lot of growing up to do.

The Chariot

Finally, another major arcana! And an extremely active one at that! Think Caesar riding into Egypt, the world at his feet and his army at his back. Victory! Will! Self-assertion! Control! These are the aspects that make up the Chariot, which I jokingly refer to as the manliest of cards. It says that everything is possible if we exhibit self-mastery. If we are self-assured, if we master our base impulses, if we make ourselves ready for any situation, we will be successful in anything we set our minds to. A card of combat. A card of Victory.

Dramatics aside, I'd say that the Chariot is my nemesis card, as the Four of Cups is often the card that most closely aligns with me. I'm far more of an inner world person than outer, and if any card is focused on the outer world, it's the Chariot. It's so focused on the outer world that bodily or emotional needs don't matter (yikes). That's a good thing when you're focused on a goal, but... I don't know. I feel like victory begins at home. Too much self-control is damaging.

I definitely need certain aspects of this card. I find self-control pretty hard. I like to indulge my every whim, and it sort of shows in my daily activities. Right now, writing this entry is difficult, because I feel so ill that I'd rather just focus on something mindless to distract myself. But keeping this log is important to me, even if it's difficult sometimes. Which is why I keep it online; with a paper diary, there's no one else to disappoint but myself. Hush, it's a motivational thing. So I have to use the power of the Chariot to avert my more indulgent impulses.

Otherwise, I'd just sit around and masturbate all day. Joking, joking.

Ace of Pentacles

Ah, jeez, I'm about to go to bed and I almost forgot to do my tarot entry for the day. So this is a filler until I can come back to it tomorrow, when I've had a decent night's rest. Yeah! The lazy way out! Sorry, until the last few hours of my day, I really wasn't up to doing much of anything. Since no one reads this, I guess this is an apology to myself. Sorry, self.

***

Now it's tomorrow and I've slept, bathed, updated a few things on the internet, and had lots of tea. Yesterday I drew the Ace of Pentacles, which is of course the base card of the practical Pentacles suit. The Pentacles as a whole are the cards of comfort, finance, and the needs of the body, so I refer to it in my head as the body suit. Following that as a springpoint, it's easy to remember what the Ace of Pentacles represents. This can be summarized in the words practicality, material force, prosperity, and trust. When the ace shows up, it means that the seed of all these things has been planted in your life. It can be a sign that you can make your dreams real. Act practically, trust your allies, meet the needs of your body, and you will prosper. I like it.

This is a good thing. I've been aching to get a job lately, to have money to spend again. I admit it, I love spending money and surrounding myself with beautiful things, with things I enjoy. My computer is showing its age a lot lately, what with running veeeeerrrry slooooowly every time more than 5 images need to be loaded on a page, and I really really really want to get a new computer. I've been so limited lately by my lack of money that I've been terribly frustrated. At least it's tax season, so I'll have one source of guaranteed income soon. But anyway.

Yesterday I also sequestered myself from the internet for a while. I met my bodily needs instead, and after a long day of feeling trapped in the cycle of refresh, I began to feel a lot better, and even broke through this writer's block that's been keeping me trapped for the past week. I think that's part of what the Ace of Pentacles was about for me, yesterday. I'm also eating more, leaving the house more often, and trying very hard to take care of myself even when the idea of doing it seems like a waste of time. You've got to address the body before the mind can prosper, you know?

Anyway. As with every Ace, this card can point to opportunity. With all these cards of opportunity that I've been pulling, I wonder what's around the corner for me? Oh, I hope it's something good.

Eight of Rods

Man, why do some cards have to be so confusing? What am I supposed to get from eight rods flying through the air? Exuberance? Freedom? Anger enough to throw rods? Surprise resulting from something weird flying by? I'm at a loss, here. That, I suppose, is the downfall of the system. Some of the images are so abstract that nothing but deep familiarity with your deck will ever lend to fully understanding what the art is trying to represent. I guess that's what I'm after anyway.

It turns out that the Eight of Rods is sort of a card of surprise, which I'll get to later. Mostly, it has to do with quick action, a symbol of the onset of action and its effects and a sign that the iron is hot and ready to strike. It also stands for the arrival of news or information, which to me relates it to a feeling of surprise. The news this card represents is always useful, and it may not be immediately apparent, so stay alert or you'll miss the message. Finally, it has to do with conclusion, bringing events to a close and returning to earth. Complicated, no?

I'm again unsure of what this card is telling me. Do I need to do something quickly? Are 3 hours of bookstore experience enough to get a job at a real bookstore? I did get some small news, my sister is sending me a package, which I was pleased and surprised to hear about, so that could have something to do with the card. And I'm certainly not involved in any projects which could conceivably come to a close right now. I'm leaning towards the news portion of the card, but the interpretation is still rather shaky. Still, it's all I can come up with right now.

You want to know something weird? When I saw this card, I was sure that I'd drawn it before, back when I was recording my cards for the day on livejournal. But checking back on my entries, it turns out I haven't. I don't think I'm confusing it with another card, since the illustration is pretty distinct, but I can't shake the nagging feeling that I'm missing something here.

Five of Pentacles

This... is an extremely negative card. And now that I've reached the end of my day, I can tell you exactly what it meant for me. But first, the analysis.

The Five of Pentacles' keywords are not encouraging: hard times, ill health, and rejection. On the face, two figures, wrapped against the cold, trudge through the snow under the brightly-lit window of a church, excluded and destitute. Though the window is beautiful, the harsh realities of the world outside can't be glossed over by pretty things. These people are utterly without.

The card reminds us what it means to be poor. Mostly, it's an economic card, and can nearly always be applied to the monetary situation of the learner. I certainly don't need a card to tell me that I'm poor; I live it every day, and I'm grateful that I'm able to have as much as I do. If not for my boyfriend, I'd be waiting tables again instead of building up experience to a job that won't make me want to kill myself. I exaggerate. I would never hurt myself. but some nights I contemplated violence on certain customers. But I digress. Just as often, it represents poor health and social rejection. Both represent a lack of what we need to function happily as people, and a lack of health can be just as devastating to one's well-being as being rejected by a friend. The big keyword to this card, I think, is lack.

My boyfriend and I have been getting sick again. I think that's part of what the card is telling us. But my boyfriend came home from running a few errands today more depressed than he's been in a long time. Being sick is getting him down, and having too much work means he can't do anything but work. I spent some time talking to him and convinced him to take a break, but he's feeling the lack of health and free time very strongly, and I think this is part of the reason the card showed up. When he's lacking something, I guess I am as well.

It's not all bad though. The church, so close to the dejected couple, is a symbol that all things pass in their own time. So even though we are both suffering from lack of money, friends, and health, things will get better in the future. That time should be close at hand.

Ten of Pentacles (repeat)

This is what I wrote about the card last time.

"In readings, this card may be telling you to concentrate on the long-term. Work toward a lasting solution. Now may be the time to settle down and make the arrangements that will work for you far into the future."

Tonight was my first real shift at the bookstore. Tonight was also my first real step in getting a job at a bookstore that will pay me, which will in turn, I hope, help lead me to a good amount of money. I'm sick of not ever being able to afford anything, you know? I also got my new license today, which means that I can volunteer at the library, if they'll have me, which will in turn lead me to getting good recommendations for when I apply to get into a Masters of Library Science program. Both are long-term solutions to my current problem of money. I hope they both work out. If the Ten of Pentacles is any indication, they just might.

Ace of Cups

Blagh, I'm sick with something and can taste mucus on the back of my throat CONSTANTLY. I've tasted it consistently for the past week or so but it's never been this bad. Ew. I blame my stupid boyfriend for getting sick all the time and bringing the illness home. I'm not going to give up kissing, so he has to work on not getting sick. That's the way things work.

I drew another ace today while I was sipping my raspberry black tea. Unlike most days when I draw the card as soon as I wake up, then write an entry just before I go to sleep, I'm going to try to do this thing right away. It's good to get things out of the way, even if you feel like bottled crap. Plus, it's helping me put off scooping the litter box and cleaning the kitchen. The Ace of Cups probably isn't about avoidance, though, as most aces tend to be active and go-getting cards. Since it's a Cup, I'm thinking that it's going to have something to do with emotions and matters of the heart, and by that virtue less active than, say, a Sword or a Rod. Free pass to plumbing the depths of my inner self, ahoy! See, now I can't do the dishes. My tarot card says I should spend the day in self-examination.

It looks like a positive card, with the sun rising out of the top of a beautiful goblet, which is standing on the water of a lily pond. I love water lilies, so already it's shaping up to be a nice pull from the deck. Upon looking it up, it appears that I was correct in my assumption (yay!); the traits of the Ace of Cups are emotional force, intuition, intimacy, and love. This card is in indicator that the seeds of emotional understanding have been planted in a person's life, and that if they are nurtured some revelation can be reached, either inner as in peace with oneself, attraction, or intuitive knowledge, or outer as in an opportunity, encounter, or synchronous event. I guess that you could call it the beginning of love. It's a symbol of possibility.

When it appears, you're supposed to look at how the energy of the card could work in your own life. Love is the essence of this card. It may not be romantic love, because love can come to you in all sorts of ways. Personally, I think that looking at this card as a pure symbol of romance is really limiting. It wants you to be loving, to forgive, to set aside anger, to nurture, to trust what comes from your heart. Isn't that nice?

As with most matters of the heart, I'm standing on shaky ground. For me, love is wrapped up in all sorts of pain, and I think this card is telling me that it might be time to let go of this pain completely. I've got a good life in love right now. The Ace of Cups says that love doesn't always go hand in hand with pain. And, even if it does, wasn't it worth it?

Yeah, actually. I think it was.

Three of Cups

Well, I started my volunteer job today. I'm having my first real shift on Friday night. The training was really fun. The woman who was showing me and the other girl the ropes was a transplant from New York, about fifty odd years old, had wildly magnified eyes that looked in opposite directions and had to hold things very close to her face in order to read. She also told us about her son, who cooks for her every night . He's a trapeze artist who designs and makes clothing. I didn't know that through my attempt to connect to community, I'd meet a character out of a novel.

The Three of Cups is all about community, exuberance, and friendship, a wonderfully positive card to draw on a day that I finally start participating in the world outside my apartment. It features three woman enjoying goblets of wine and talking together. They're laughing and enjoying themselves on the Rider-Waite deck, but on the Aquarian deck, they look weirdly somber. When I first drew this card, I thought it meant something along the lines of peace due to the women's serious expressions and stiff postures.

I readings, this card can signify a new friendship or simply indicate the wonderful feelings engendered by camaraderie and community. It's a social card. These women are connected, and through that connection comes a good life. When you see this card, what you want to do is examine your own attachments to social groups and see what needs fixing, or see what they mean to you emotionally. Reach out and give or receive help. You just may feel like singing and dancing again.

King of Swords

To me, the King of Swords is sort of an intimidating figure. He's sort of intimidating to write about. Which is why I've been putting this off. He casts a striking figure, with his sword over his shoulder, his shield at his side, and his profile facing the battle ahead. He's ready to take action, and with the outward focus of a King, nothing can stop him.

He's sort of like the Queen of Swords, in that he's cutting, logical, and precise. But he's also utterly humorless. Where the Queen of this suit knows that in order to get through live, one must laugh, the King doesn't see such things as necessary. He's just the right person you need around when you've got a difficult problem to solve; he's intellectual, articulate, just, analytical, and ethical. This guy would be the best kind of lawyer or judge. Chaotic situations don't cloud his perception. He is impartial, just, incorruptible, and lives by the highest of ethical standards. Above all things, he wants you to act as he does.

See? Intimidating. I'm not sure whether I can hold myself up to his standards, to tell you the truth. They are my ideal; I value fairness and truth above most things in my life, and I try to be honest about every situation that I'm confronted with. Especially with myself. But the King of Swords is about action, not self-analysis. I can honestly say that I took action today in driving to town and learning the route to my volunteer job, and that I ran a few errands that I've been meaning to take care of, so that's at least something. I even made dinner! I know, it's sort of pitiful that I claim these two things as epic achievements. That's what I should take away from this Kingly encounter: spend less time thinking, and more time doing.

Queen of Cups (repeat)

Today, got the Queen of Cups again.

Her energy is different for me today. Instead of feeling like I need to be more loving, I feel like I need to be loved. I want to be taken out on a date, kissed, hugged, to be told I love you without saying it first. Today's errands with my boyfriend were fun, even if he woke me up in the rudest way possible and I bruised his kidney trying to climb over him. But that's not a date. That's just day to day living.

Queen of Cups, lend me your loving energy. I want to feel be romanced.

/end cheesey line.

Ten of Pentacles

Affluence. Permanence. Following convention. The family at market, standing under an archway in which ten golden coins are embedded. Wealth is theirs. For them, it's time to spend what they've earned.

I'm reposting this description because, for me, it's wildly apt:

"When we achieve material success, we naturally want it to last. This is the conservative, Establishment side of the Ten of Pentacles. Why rock the boat when life is fine just the way it is? In readings, this card often stands for convention - following established guidelines and maintaining the status quo. Fat cats are rarely radicals; they love tradition and the tried-and-true. Sometimes it is important to trust the known ways, but only when change is inadvisable.

The Ten of Pentacles is also concerned with permanence. Change is an unavoidable part of life, but constant change is uncomfortable. We need stability and the chance to work for a secure foundation in life. In readings, this card may be telling you to concentrate on the long-term. Work toward a lasting solution. Now may be the time to settle down and make the arrangements that will work for you far into the future."

Though I wish that I drew this card because it's hinting that I will come into a great fortune very soon, I think that it's getting at what I reposted here: change is coming my way, and I need to bend it so that it contributes to a good future. I start my new volunteer job on Wednesday, and I'm scared that I'll have too much responsibility too suddenly. As much as I complain about my stationary life, I love having no obligations to anyone but myself. Like a cat, I guess, in a way. I've never been able to deal well with having responsibility or having to live up to other people's expectations. I always fear that I'll fail. It's unpleasant, and it usually causes me to hate whatever job I'm doing at the time. And with that logic, like a snake, I've just eaten my own tail.

This card really couldn't have come at a better time. For me, it means that volunteering will lead to the future I'm planning for, and that it is a good idea to start work in this direction, even if I'm terribly nervous about it. So wish me luck, anyone who's reading this. This week, with one tiny step, I start my future.

Queen of Swords

What was I saying the other day about identifying more with the Queen of Swords than the Queen of Cups? Seriously, when I pulled this card about a minute ago, I burst out laughing. What a welcome treat. Even though I'm not a water sign and not an air sign, I have a lot of respect for the Queen of Swords, far more than I have for the intuitive and caring Queen of Cups. I know, I know, I should accept both aspects of these cards into my life, but I've done the intuitive, sensitive, and caring thing, and all it does is lead you to heartbreak. Right now, the Queen of Cups isn't quite compatible with how I should be living my life. Maybe one day I'll be able to accept what she offers again, but right now, I really just can't do it.

Anyhow, onto the symbolism. The Queen of Swords regards the learner seriously. Her hair is unbound and wild, and she holds a sword, the hilt of which is completely hidden by roses. She looks formidable, intelligent, and untamed. I love her. But once again the symbolism doesn't lead us too far unless we're familiar with the message of the entire suit, which I refer to privately as the suit of the mind. Many of the swords are related to activity, logic, curiosity, and consequences. Every action has its results. Every rose has its thorns. To be aware of them is part of being aware of yourself. The Queen of Swords is no exception. She is honest, astute, forthright, witty, and experienced. She will always tell you the truth. No matter how much it might hurt.

But she is at heart a positive card, like all the Queens. In addition to her commitment to being truthful, she is also always willing to laugh at herself as easily as a good joke, which is very important when approaching the truths that we might find unpleasant. She can size up any situation very quickly and see the way out of it. She understands human folly and doesn't condemn it. And though she has experienced much in life, she isn't bitter about a single thing.

It's no secret that I'm prone to being bitter. It's really easy to go over whatever situation I've landed myself in and curse the stupid things I've done or the horrible things other people have done to me. The Queen of Swords is there to remind us that there's no reason to be bitter. The past is in the past; either learn from it or let it go. And I've become so much less bitter lately than I have been in the past three-odd years. I laugh a lot. Even if I go through awful bouts of self-doubt, anxiety, and thoughts that I'll never be able to do anything ever again, I still laugh. I can only hope that one day I'll be able to approach life with as much clarity, wit, and humor as the Queen of Swords. And with as much commitment to honesty.

Ace of Swords

Neat! This is the first time I've ever drawn an Ace! This is exciting. Sadly, however, like most aces, the Ace of Swords is a little difficult to understand if you do not know the general theme of the suit. It depicts a sword thrust into the earth, with two white roses growing around it and what looks like a couple of red strings attached to the hilt, blowing in the wind. There is somewhere you can go with the symbolism: a sword thrust in the earth, proud, standing tall as a symbol of successful fortitude. But really, that's about as far as I'm able to get.

"The Ace of Swords is a symbol of possibility in the area of intelligence, reason, justice, truth, clarity and fortitude. In readings, it shows that a seed of clear understanding has been planted in your life although you may not yet recognize it. When the seed sprouts, it could take almost any form. It might be a compelling idea, desire for the truth, call to justice, or a need to be honest. On the outside, it could be an offer, gift, opportunity, encounter or synchronistic event.

Sometimes this Ace stands for a challenge that will test you in some way. Life never goes smoothly for long. Sooner or later a hurdle shows up, and the Ace of Swords can tell you when one is coming. This card is also a reminder to you to face your challenge, whatever it is, with courage, honesty and a firm resolve. In every challenge, there is opportunity.

When you see the Ace of Swords, examine your life to see how its clean, sharp energy could work for you. Think about your problem objectively. Look for situations that are unjust or confusing and resolve to set them right. Above all else, commit to being honest and ethical. This card tells you that you do have the inner resources to overcome all obstacles and find the truth of your situation. That is the promise of the Ace of Swords."

I think I need to take hold of the courage promised by the Ace and face my fears. I get really nervous when it comes to calling people for anything, even when they've called me first. So I'm going to face my fears and get back to someone about a volunteer job that was offered to me a few days ago. I've got nothing to lose. The worst they could do is say nevermind.

Queen of Cups

I feel like I'm a couple of steps behind reality today, so bear with me. This post may get abstract.

The Queen of Cups holds a chalice before her which is adorned with a rose. In a way, it's the perfect card for love. In all matters, the Queen lets the heart lead. She is tenderhearted, loving, intuitive, psychic, and spiritual. In short, all the qualities once thought to be compatible with the perfect woman. Which is why I find the Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland such a fascinating character, but I digress.

It's a good card for Valentine's Day (or Horny Werewolf Day, if you prefer), I think, especially when the prophecy of the Three of Swords came true and I experienced the most crushing loneliness I'd felt in a long time shortly after making last night's post. Since then, I've managed to feel a little better, because one of my best friends in the world sent me a box of delicious cookies that she'd made especially for me. Butterscotch oatmeal with applesauce inside and a handful of white chocolate. They are the best cookies in the universe.

In readings, the Queen asks you to think and feel as she does. I suppose that her qualities are missing in my life, if I think about it. She was once far more a part of who I used to be. I find I identify more with the Queen of Swords than anything these days. Perhaps I need a good dose of her intuition so that I can feel that I'm loved rather than trying to deduce it from the evidence at hand. I certainly need to be more loving. I've been a bit of a grouch lately. At least we have one thing in common: we are both moved by the beauty and tragedy in life. Perhaps a little too much, from time to time.

Three of Swords

For the first time ever, I'm completely mystified by how a card I drew could possibly relate to my life right now. The Three of Swords is a card that signifies heartbreak, loneliness, and betrayal. It's an image of a heart being stabbed by three swords and nothing else. Poignant. Okay, speak up. Who's planning to betray me?

I really don't get why I drew this card. So, as a filler, here's what my source says:

"In readings, the Three of Swords often represents the nasty little curve balls that life can throw sometimes. Betrayal, abandonment, rejection, separation, a reversal of fortune. These hurts are painful because they hit you when you least expect them. If you have drawn this card, you may know what it refers to, but if not, the Three of Swords is a valuable warning. It is likely there is something amiss in your life that you are unaware of or unwilling to acknowledge. Curve balls hit us when we're looking the other way. Examine your situation carefully. Talk to the people in your life. Don't take anything for granted. Listen to your inner voice; it will help you locate the problem.

It is also possible that you are contemplating hurting someone else. With this card I think it is important to remember that each of us is capable of cruelty. We're all human, and we all make mistakes, sometimes serious ones. In the end, all we can do is trust in the goodness of life and try to live up to that ideal. When you slip, forgive yourself, and try to forgive others in turn, but, even better, head off trouble before it arrives."

After all the wonderful things I've been drawing, I'd hate to think that my luck is about to go away. Guess I should be on the lookout. Nothing bad happened today (except for me being utterly lazy), so who knows.

Knight of Rods

I'm not sure how to begin this. I drew a card that's somewhat personal to me today, and I'm nervous about outlining just why. No, that's not the truth. I'm not sure why it's special to me, why it makes me nervous and happy at the same time when I see it. I guess it reminds me of someone. Someone I used to know and someone I used to be. Or wish I was, in some vague way. I don't know. It's hard to put my finger on it.

The Knight cards in any tarot deck are complicated. They can take on positive and negative meanings, depending on their placement in the reading and the situation of the querant. They often represent a particular person in the querant's life. However, they could just as easily mean that their special flair is present in the reading, or even that their positive qualities are currently needed to resolve some problem. The Knight of Rods is no exception.

This chart is useful when considering his qualities:
Charming/Superficial
Self-Confident/Cocky
Daring/Foolhardy
Adventurous/Restless
Passionate/Hot-Tempered

I knew a Knight of Rods, once. He was everything but hot-tempered, at least to me. I can't speak of everyone else. I've been learning lately of some things that he's done to others that have frankly astonished me. And I was as much like him as I could be. It was a wonderful time in my life. I could do anything, and I did, without considering the consequences. I made some mistakes, but I suppose in retrospect that I always managed to enjoy myself. I want to go back to this feeling from time to time. But I don't miss who I used to be.

Sometimes I miss the positive aspects of this card: the sense of amazing, untouchable confidence that you will not get caught, that you will make it through this situation just fine, thank you, the amazing creativity that comes from thinking of places you can explore, things you can do, the passion, the lack of thought for the consequences, all of that and more. But really, when I think about it, I made some pretty stupid decisions at that time because I felt so consumed by what the moment might bring rather than thinking that I might have regrets later. I didn't notice how complex things really were. And I do have regrets.

Though the Knight and I have parted ways, I still miss him from time to time. It's intoxicating, feeling like nothing can touch you, and it's something that I really don't feel anymore. This is why I'm fond of him, I think, and why he makes me nervous at the same time. He makes me think of when I was more innocent.

The Heirophant

I followed through with my goal and secured residency in my new state today. I even registered to vote. The DMV wasn't very full. I was seen not ten minutes after I walked in the door and took my number (665). For a government institution, it was a refreshing experience.

And of course I drew the Hierophant today, which is the card of education, belief systems, group identification, and conformity. The man on the card holds a staff and two keys, and is dressed in ceremonial robes as he beckons the learner. Facts, rules, procedures, and rituals follow in his wake. In readings, he can represent learning within a group, or from great experts or knowledgeable teachers. He's the institution. He's also a symbol of the need to conform to one's current situation. As I did today by securing state residency. Here, it is practically impossible to get a job unless you're a citizen of the state. Though I didn't want to do it, I had to, and so conformed. For better or worse, I've gotten a new group identity.

I don't necessarily like the message of this card, but it's useful to remember when it comes up that identifying with a larger group doesn't have to be stifling. It can be freeing, rather like medical insurance, or enriching, like a college education. In a future reading, he could be associated with getting a job at a larger organization, one having to do with learning or law. These could all be very good things for the individual who pulls the Hierophant.

Still. For better or worse, he represents the Man, benefits and disadvantages both. Including my brand new state Income tax. Oi.

The World

I drew the World a few minutes ago. I have a vague idea why I've been getting such powerfully positive cards lately, but it's not quite solidified yet. After I've done this for a week I'm going to go back and see what major swings my overall mood took from the time I started this project up again. Then, I'll see what I can see.

In the Aquarian deck, the world is a stately, young Elizabeth Taylor sort of woman in what I would call Modernist clothing. She's surrounded in a braided circle and on each corner of the card is a different animal, save the top left corner which features a smiling girl. This could possibly refer to a Cherubim, which was often pictured in traditional Christian art as having four faces: a man, an eagle, a lion, and a bull. It would make sense, as the Rider-Waite tarot deck, from which this deck draws much of its symbolism, is a creation of the Golden Dawn, who were very into Christian mysticism.

So far we have a Cherubim and a woman gazing out at the learner from the center of a braided hoop. Confusing imagery, but the message of the World is one that is not soon forgotten. She promises integration, accomplishment, involvement, and fulfillment; a message that I imagine the creators of Rider-Waite thought resonated with the Cherubim somehow. It's a message of ultimate fulfillment. The Fool has reached the end of his journey, and has come to heaven at last.

This is, however, by no means a stagnant card. The key to fulfillment in this case is the culmination of activities, a sense that everything in your life has come together to create this moment of perfect joy. You are engaged in just the right way with everything around you. In readings, it is an extremely positive sign that you are about to reach your heart's desire, that the goals that you have been reaching for are near completion. I hope this card means what I think it means for me, because that's extremely good news that I will have no trouble getting my license tomorrow, and that once I get it, I'll be able to take the first step towards my goals. But I have to remember the key to this card: it represents activity and involvement. I can't wait for the world to fall in my lap. I have to pull it there.

The Magician

Glorious Saturday! I made a delicious pitcher of Thai iced tea that's ready to drink today. I'm going to have it with the cream-top milk that I bought yesterday and I will get so fat! I wish I had friends out here so we could drink the entire pitcher at once, and then range out, caffeine addled, and have an energetic night on the town followed by a night of intense sleeping.

The Magician has appeared. He makes me feel like science. Over his head, the infinity sign floats like a halo, and he's wearing the ouroboros as a belt. The tools of his craft lie before him: the sword, the rod, the cup, the pentacle. Herbs and shapes hang above him. He's ready to turn lead into gold, maybe solve a few principles of the universe before turning in for the night. Action, conscious awareness, concentration, and power are his companions. He is the ultimate achiever.

There could not be a card that is more opposed to my life as I am living it right now. Where I fear to act, the Magician represents fearlessness, belief in oneself and willingness to put that belief on the line. Where I lack full understanding, the Magician represents utter awareness of the situation. And where I am focused on my inner world, the Magician lives in the outer world, the world of action and miracles. I wish I could be like the Magician.

All my cards seem to be following a certain progression so far. I've started out in the emotional doldrums, I want to harness the graceful ability of the Two of Pentacles, and now I've come to one of the most action-packed cards in the tarot. It could be telling me to act now, to jump at an opportunity that is right in front of me if only I can see it. The trouble is that I can't see what it's trying to tell me. Is there suddenly an available job at the library? A book store? If I put in my volunteer application at the library, will they accept me even without Colorado residence? I wish I had more insight, because I feel lost.

I think that I'll try to get residency again on Monday. The government being what it is, their offices are closed today and Sunday, so I really have no choice but to wait until I act. One of the big problems I've run into with job applications here is that about 75% of them require in-state residency. Last time I went in to get residency, the wheel of fortune turned and all the computers in the city government were suddenly down, and they couldn't possibly issue me a new license at that time. But if the Magician is telling me what I think he's telling me, I need to act soon. This is the only part of all this that I'm sure I need to take care of before I can do anything at all.

The Magician sees things with clarity, and advises us that if we understand our goals, we have the power to reach them. I hope he's right.

Two of Pentacles

I didn't sleep much last night. This morning. After sleeping for an hour I woke up from a nightmare that left me feeling paralyzed, breathing hard with my arms stiff at my sides, still feeling like I was holding the hand of the person I was fleeing with. It took me a long time to fall asleep again after that. And even then, I slept shallowly, like I was floating just below the surface of the water while currents of dreams flowed just below my body, out of reach. It didn't help that I was woken up by outside means relatively often, either (though the waffle was good incentive to get me, groaning, out of bed). Now, I'm sleepy, grumpy, and sipping on yesterday's tea, hoping that the caffeine will help my mood.

But despite the dark cloud over my head, I feel somehow... full of ideas? Creative? Content, somewhere at the core of my grumpy heart? It's a weird mix of moods. Which brings me to the card I drew today, another strange mix.

After playing Odin Sphere for a few hours (terribly frustrating), I drew the Two of Pentacles today, which is one of my favorite cards. In the Aquarian deck, the artist has depicted a man with wavy hair and an outrageously pink hat judging two coins in an infinity sign. I've always liked his funny hat. I wish I had one. He looks like he's enjoying himself. And this contentment combined with his activity is a good lead in for the meanings of this card: juggling, flexibility, and fun.

This card is about laughing in the face of adversity and combining the hurdles life throws at you with a persistent sense of ability, awareness, and enjoyment. It tells you that you have the ability to handle anything that life throws at you. You already have the solution for your problem right in front of you, why not just solve it? And the infinity sign around the coins indicates that you can do this indefinitely. It's very high-energy, which definitely contrasts how lethargic I'm feeling right now, so this could be a promise that my crushing apathy will soon be lifted. In contrast, if I were feeling extremely high-energy, it would serve as a warning that I'm being a little too overconfident and need to tone it down and pay attention to what's going on around me. It's been a long time, though, since I've felt graceful and effective at the same time.

Which brings me back again to my current state of affairs: jobless, bored, anxious, feeling like there's nothing I can do and that if I try to get out there and change my life, I'll fail. That's my life overall at the moment. Today, I drew the Two of Pentacles, which is presenting itself as the solution to my problems. A perfect bookend to the doldrums of the Four of Cups.

I don't know. I appreciate what this card is telling me, but I'm so often unsure of my own ability that I doubt its message. But I will do one thing. I will leave the apartment today, even if it's just going to the grocery store. That's as good a first step as any.

Four of Cups

Truth be told, I started this project a short time before the new year. I think I was at it for about a month before I went on vacation to Michigan. Though I brought my tarot cards with me, I didn't touch them while I was there. I'm not sure why; I'd been enjoying my task before. But somehow with the change in location and bleakness in the landscape I stopped learning. I haven't picked up my cards since.

Today I begin again, away from my usual internet haunts. This kind of thing is more appropriate at a place other than one thronged with friends. Though I love the tarot, I recognize that not everyone on my friends-list is interested in how the Queen of Swords can be used to interpret my day.

The Four of Cups depicts a person leaning against a tree, staring off into space on some decks, and staring at the ground in others. There are three cups stacked in front of him, and a fourth one being offered from a disembodied hand sticking out of a cloud. The image is sort of comical to me, though the mood of the card is rather bleak; apathy, self-absorption, and retreating so far within that even miraculous opportunities are completely missed.

Since I stopped the tarot, this has been my life. Well, actually, if I'm going to be honest here, this has been my life since I moved away from a home I knew to completely unfamiliar territory, more than six months ago. I haven't much left my apartment. I don't yet have a job. I sleep all day and stay up all night, keeping myself entertained and missing the opportunities the day brings. I'm stuck in emotional hydraulics, as my source succinctly puts it. Everything has become stale and flat for me, and going outside seems far too much trouble than it's worth. And, though I'd like to blame winter, I really must place the blame on myself.

Self-absorption is probably my keenest fault. Everything I experience and feel is focused through the lens of how it makes me feel, how it affects my day, or what dampers it might put on my mood. I am a slave to my emotions, really. If I wake up in the morning and feel tired, I go right back to sleep until I wake up and feel tired no more. This time could come at 4PM or 10AM; if I don't have to be anywhere, it doesn't matter to me. I'd like to take up a constructive hobby like sewing or different types of art, but because I judge whether I'm up to such a task on the basis of whether or not I feel like it today, I haven't started doing even the things that I'd like to learn. If I have something I need to take care of, it's so easy to put it off until tomorrow. And, I'm ashamed to say, if I feel like being alone, I will be alone at the expense even of my partner's feelings. Sometimes why he still puts up with it is beyond me.

I have my better days, of course. Especially in the spring and summer; my months to live. But the Four of Cups rings true for me at every interpersonal exchange. How I react to you and how I perceive you will always come back to me. This log is an excellent example of what I mean.

Slowly, I think, I'm trying to change that a little. When I see the Four of Cups (and it comes up fairly often when I'm doing casual readings for myself), I am reminded of my own most glaring faults. The Four of Cups advises you to refocus yourself, to interact with the outside world and other people without focusing so much on whether or not you want to do anything. Clear your inner clutter by turning away from it. Remember what satisfaction came from leaving the house, remember the activities that once brought you joy and experience them again. God knows what opportunities, job-wise, that I've lost through my continuous apathy since I arrived here. Just like the reclining man in the illustration, I've lost my way by focusing too much on myself. Maybe it's time to change that.

But then again, I could always put it off until tomorrow.