Knight of Rods

I'm not sure how to begin this. I drew a card that's somewhat personal to me today, and I'm nervous about outlining just why. No, that's not the truth. I'm not sure why it's special to me, why it makes me nervous and happy at the same time when I see it. I guess it reminds me of someone. Someone I used to know and someone I used to be. Or wish I was, in some vague way. I don't know. It's hard to put my finger on it.

The Knight cards in any tarot deck are complicated. They can take on positive and negative meanings, depending on their placement in the reading and the situation of the querant. They often represent a particular person in the querant's life. However, they could just as easily mean that their special flair is present in the reading, or even that their positive qualities are currently needed to resolve some problem. The Knight of Rods is no exception.

This chart is useful when considering his qualities:
Charming/Superficial
Self-Confident/Cocky
Daring/Foolhardy
Adventurous/Restless
Passionate/Hot-Tempered

I knew a Knight of Rods, once. He was everything but hot-tempered, at least to me. I can't speak of everyone else. I've been learning lately of some things that he's done to others that have frankly astonished me. And I was as much like him as I could be. It was a wonderful time in my life. I could do anything, and I did, without considering the consequences. I made some mistakes, but I suppose in retrospect that I always managed to enjoy myself. I want to go back to this feeling from time to time. But I don't miss who I used to be.

Sometimes I miss the positive aspects of this card: the sense of amazing, untouchable confidence that you will not get caught, that you will make it through this situation just fine, thank you, the amazing creativity that comes from thinking of places you can explore, things you can do, the passion, the lack of thought for the consequences, all of that and more. But really, when I think about it, I made some pretty stupid decisions at that time because I felt so consumed by what the moment might bring rather than thinking that I might have regrets later. I didn't notice how complex things really were. And I do have regrets.

Though the Knight and I have parted ways, I still miss him from time to time. It's intoxicating, feeling like nothing can touch you, and it's something that I really don't feel anymore. This is why I'm fond of him, I think, and why he makes me nervous at the same time. He makes me think of when I was more innocent.