Two of Pentacles

I didn't sleep much last night. This morning. After sleeping for an hour I woke up from a nightmare that left me feeling paralyzed, breathing hard with my arms stiff at my sides, still feeling like I was holding the hand of the person I was fleeing with. It took me a long time to fall asleep again after that. And even then, I slept shallowly, like I was floating just below the surface of the water while currents of dreams flowed just below my body, out of reach. It didn't help that I was woken up by outside means relatively often, either (though the waffle was good incentive to get me, groaning, out of bed). Now, I'm sleepy, grumpy, and sipping on yesterday's tea, hoping that the caffeine will help my mood.

But despite the dark cloud over my head, I feel somehow... full of ideas? Creative? Content, somewhere at the core of my grumpy heart? It's a weird mix of moods. Which brings me to the card I drew today, another strange mix.

After playing Odin Sphere for a few hours (terribly frustrating), I drew the Two of Pentacles today, which is one of my favorite cards. In the Aquarian deck, the artist has depicted a man with wavy hair and an outrageously pink hat judging two coins in an infinity sign. I've always liked his funny hat. I wish I had one. He looks like he's enjoying himself. And this contentment combined with his activity is a good lead in for the meanings of this card: juggling, flexibility, and fun.

This card is about laughing in the face of adversity and combining the hurdles life throws at you with a persistent sense of ability, awareness, and enjoyment. It tells you that you have the ability to handle anything that life throws at you. You already have the solution for your problem right in front of you, why not just solve it? And the infinity sign around the coins indicates that you can do this indefinitely. It's very high-energy, which definitely contrasts how lethargic I'm feeling right now, so this could be a promise that my crushing apathy will soon be lifted. In contrast, if I were feeling extremely high-energy, it would serve as a warning that I'm being a little too overconfident and need to tone it down and pay attention to what's going on around me. It's been a long time, though, since I've felt graceful and effective at the same time.

Which brings me back again to my current state of affairs: jobless, bored, anxious, feeling like there's nothing I can do and that if I try to get out there and change my life, I'll fail. That's my life overall at the moment. Today, I drew the Two of Pentacles, which is presenting itself as the solution to my problems. A perfect bookend to the doldrums of the Four of Cups.

I don't know. I appreciate what this card is telling me, but I'm so often unsure of my own ability that I doubt its message. But I will do one thing. I will leave the apartment today, even if it's just going to the grocery store. That's as good a first step as any.